Backyards Are The Absolute Worst, Part II

To recap: Amanda and I are trying to fix our backyard, and I dug up some dirt and it was horrible and I whined a lot.

Since then we poured concrete, painted concrete, built a couple benches, and uh...that's...that's it.

I swear, it felt like a lot more got done.

I'm watching Horrible Bosses and I'm ah...distracted? Yeah, by a half naked Jennifer Aniston being really hot.

Aaaaand there she is telling me to get the hell back to work.

OK, we're gonna DO SOME THINGS!!!!

After clearing and leveling 12,000 sq ft of land (ugh fine, "12 ft of yard"), we moved on to the part where we mix and pour concrete. That involved mixing and...pouring. It should also have involved leveling and compacting gravel, maybe some measuring and marking, something involving string and short stakes, I think I've seen wood involved in some way...

We got a mold. That's about as far as we got.

The one in the top right... But only because we think it'll hide the inherent inconsistency of me trying to do something involving manual labor. (Photo courtesy of Quickrete.com)

Mix badly and with excessive amounts of water, carefully figure out where the mold should go in order to ensure alignment and maximize coverage/aesthetic appeal, then put it somewhere else, and shovel sloppy concrete into it.

I feel like Jennifer Aniston approves.

Fast forward, and we ended up with something that looks like a bunch of random stones strewn in a somewhat circular pattern. 

Heh, cool.

Concrete is ugly. Needs color.

Worked out OK. Grey and uneven, but OK. We could have added color while pouring, which would have made life really easy. Instead, we poured, then waited 30 days for the concrete to cure (whatever THAT means), and picked a color that we thought we could live with.

We bought 900lbs of concrete to do this. Amanda liked it so much she ordered 2 pallets more to do this:

Walkway. 

Painting. 

Done. Ish.

THAT...felt like a lot of work. OK, next up: Benches.

We set up old cabinets with some cushions to make benches in the backyard. It sounds ghetto and lame. It is. After a few months they were falling apart, and they became home to a colony of...something. Amanda had to kill them with a hammer. No, I am not making that up. I think they were aliens.

Probably the only time Donald Trump and I agree on something...

So, we need to tear that crap down and build actual benches. And in 1,378 convoluted steps, I can show you how we built...

A basic bench. Without a back or armrests, because those are hard.

Step 1: Check the fridge for beer. This will be important later, as it will be the only way you'll be able to emotionally cope with the trauma of stripped screws, warped boards, and sanding.

FUCK sanding.

Step 2: Measure things. Do a lot of math. Go to Home Depot. Redo a lot of math. Twice. Buy wood. If you're female and hot (looking at you, Amanda), have 17 dudes hit on you and offer to haul your wood home. If you're none of those things (hi, name's Brian) have absolutely no one offer to do anything. Instead, spend 45 minutes waiting for someone to cut wood for you at Home Depot. Do more math. Bring wood home.

Number of times hit on: 0

Step 3: Make a frame. Attach legs wrong. Ignore it. Benches are level enough.

Step 4: Beer. This will probably be step 5, too.

Steps 6-8. I'm KIDDING maybe.

I don't know why there's a kettlebell on the bench, but check out my sweet new hammer drill. I don't know what it does. I can only assume it transforms from a drill into a powered hammer which is then used to destroy home improvement project morale.

After what took "way longer" than initial estimates of "real quick," we finally have some benches. And I have upper respiratory problems.

Seriously. Fuck sanding.

Attach some hooks, tie the cushions on, and we have some actual, alien-free benches that are probably much safer to sit on.

Hammer and Hammer Drill showdown. Things were tense.

Pick heavy-ass benches up, sidestep dogpoop landmines, and replace crappy cabinet-benches with less crappy bench-benches.

I've been told replacing the table is next. I live in Oceanside. Please come save me.